Loneliness. It's a cruel, dark, disgusting word. No one wants to FEEL it, no one wants to BE it, and no one, in general, wants to ASSOCIATE with it. However, I'm starting to feel if it's inevitable.
I have it all, so to speak. The man who "loves" me, the PERFECT child (Whom I love more than I ever knew I was capable of loving), a house that provides me warmth and shelter, enough money to buy my family the things that we all need-hell, I even have a fling right now.
Life has been stressful in the last few months. Mitch and I had a fall out. I realized that I deserve to be treated like a Princess. And I just wasn't getting it. We still live together, but we are only room mates at this point. I feel nothing more for him. We co-parent, but that is all I can offer him right now. I started seeing a friend I've known from college, and we clicked. I knew we would since we were pretty close at one point before, but I never thought things would turn out like they did.
For once in the last year or more, I felt happy. It was a new feeling to me. Yes, Mitch and I had a baby, but we lost that "romance" that we once felt before. With this old friend, I felt not only friendship, but a deeper connection. Even though Mitch and I share the connection of blood and bones (Alice), we had friendship that we had built and time we spent building it. And that was special. We could laugh without thinking about it, make jokes about each others gaming abilities, stuff like that. He was special to me at one time, and he was once again special. We were friends, we were more than friends, but we were not "together" perse.
Then he became distant. He is still in school and an RA at his dorms, he even has a part time job on top of that. Between balancing all of that AND me, it was just to much for him. I saw him becoming stressed. I felt bad. I couldn't be responsible for that.
So the other night we called it off. Just friends. I can only pray to God Above that our friendship hasn't been ruined. That would break me in two. I didn't want to lose a friend in this thing, whatever it was.
That brings me to loneliness. Tonight I have that familiar ache in my gut, a hurting in my chest. I still have Mitch if I want, but I don't. I want HIM. He makes me feel happy. I have Alice, and she makes me beyond happy when she is awake. But right now she is sleeping peacefully in Wonderland. She can't cuddle with me or give me that precious smile. HE is away, probably doing homework or some other task he must attend to. And me, well, I'm just sitting all alone. Broken. And realizing the ache of loneliness once again.
I wish I could change the world so that no one ever had to be alone. I wish I had friends. I wish I had SOMEONE with me 24/7 to comfort me when I needed. But I don't. No one does.
Even though I'm pathetically sitting here typing about my sadness and despair, I know that there are other people out there, just like me, right now. And somehow, through my aching heart and lonely mind, I can see that I'm not alone. No one is ever alone.
I. Just. Need. To. Rise. Above. It.
It's true, Loneliness is probably the most hated word in the English Language... Actually in any language. The worst part of loneliness is just that, being alone. I am not a preacher but I am going to hop up on the pulpit for a second. Good news is you are never truly alone. Even when it seems that things are going horribly wrong and life is kicking you around in the boxing ring, God is still standing on the ropes keeping you in the fight. No matter what age you are at you are in the fight of your life, and always will be because life is not perfect. I too often find myself where you are, you sit there by yourself and all you want is someone to sit with you, keep you company, show you they care, show you that you mean something to them. Good news is that while you know you aren't alone, you know that others out there are also lonely, and as you know they are out there, they know somewhere there's a girl, who while her daughter sleeps, is lonely. Furthermore, God knows this and he sees it, and while it may not be right now, he has a plan and chances are "Prince Charming" or the "Knight in Shining armor on the White Steed" is waiting for you, or maybe he's even searching for you, he just doesn't know it yet.
ReplyDeleteStay strong, and kick loneliness's butt! I know you can! Good luck and always know you are never alone, and you never will be.