Loneliness. It's a cruel, dark, disgusting word. No one wants to FEEL it, no one wants to BE it, and no one, in general, wants to ASSOCIATE with it. However, I'm starting to feel if it's inevitable.
I have it all, so to speak. The man who "loves" me, the PERFECT child (Whom I love more than I ever knew I was capable of loving), a house that provides me warmth and shelter, enough money to buy my family the things that we all need-hell, I even have a fling right now.
Life has been stressful in the last few months. Mitch and I had a fall out. I realized that I deserve to be treated like a Princess. And I just wasn't getting it. We still live together, but we are only room mates at this point. I feel nothing more for him. We co-parent, but that is all I can offer him right now. I started seeing a friend I've known from college, and we clicked. I knew we would since we were pretty close at one point before, but I never thought things would turn out like they did.
For once in the last year or more, I felt happy. It was a new feeling to me. Yes, Mitch and I had a baby, but we lost that "romance" that we once felt before. With this old friend, I felt not only friendship, but a deeper connection. Even though Mitch and I share the connection of blood and bones (Alice), we had friendship that we had built and time we spent building it. And that was special. We could laugh without thinking about it, make jokes about each others gaming abilities, stuff like that. He was special to me at one time, and he was once again special. We were friends, we were more than friends, but we were not "together" perse.
Then he became distant. He is still in school and an RA at his dorms, he even has a part time job on top of that. Between balancing all of that AND me, it was just to much for him. I saw him becoming stressed. I felt bad. I couldn't be responsible for that.
So the other night we called it off. Just friends. I can only pray to God Above that our friendship hasn't been ruined. That would break me in two. I didn't want to lose a friend in this thing, whatever it was.
That brings me to loneliness. Tonight I have that familiar ache in my gut, a hurting in my chest. I still have Mitch if I want, but I don't. I want HIM. He makes me feel happy. I have Alice, and she makes me beyond happy when she is awake. But right now she is sleeping peacefully in Wonderland. She can't cuddle with me or give me that precious smile. HE is away, probably doing homework or some other task he must attend to. And me, well, I'm just sitting all alone. Broken. And realizing the ache of loneliness once again.
I wish I could change the world so that no one ever had to be alone. I wish I had friends. I wish I had SOMEONE with me 24/7 to comfort me when I needed. But I don't. No one does.
Even though I'm pathetically sitting here typing about my sadness and despair, I know that there are other people out there, just like me, right now. And somehow, through my aching heart and lonely mind, I can see that I'm not alone. No one is ever alone.
I. Just. Need. To. Rise. Above. It.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Change--the disguisting AND wonderful reality of life...
Well it's been over a year since my last post. So much has changed over the course of 2011. Mitch and I found out in April that we would be parents, and pregnancy, in its entirety, is a journey in and of itself. Your body goes through so much change to prepare for a little life that is growing inside of you. During the course of my pregnancy, I experienced the ups and downs of mood swings, the "oh-so-fun-looking-in-the-mirror-thinking-you-can't-get-any-bigger" experience, my feet and hands swelling, my heart growing even bigger every day to love prepare for the love I would feel for my child, and then came the wonderful stress of getting ready for baby. College got out for summer in May, and that left me with no place to call home. In the part of North Dakota I live in, there is a huge oil-boom going on right now, leaving the jobs abundant and the housing scarce. With a baby on the way and no place to live, I moved in with my sister. To make a long story short, that was the worst seven months in a long time for me. Living with someone you haven't lived with in years is a huge change, and you must in fact learn to put up with the mannerisms of other people.
Luckily in December Mitch and I finally moved into our first home-a quaint little trailer house. Even though we had finally been able to call ourself a family, it was still stressful. Our baby was due December 15, and we moved in December 5. We had no furniture ready for our child, and with me being so pregnant I was unable to really help move in. I was very tired all the time and didn't have much energy. I thank God that we were able to put everything together for our baby just in the nick of time.
I found December 12th that my baby girl was to large for me to have a natural delivery-I would have to have a C-Section. This brought a lot of anxiety for me as I had never had a surgery before-not to mention one that I would be awake for the entire time. I hoped and prayed that Mitch would be able to accompany me into the delivery room.
December 16, early in the morning, we made our way to the hospital, where we met up with my "parents." The nurses went into "surgery prep" mode as they started my IVs and monitered the baby's heart beat. Mitch didn't handle this well...to say the least. As soon as they started my IV, he turned pale and had to sit down and fed juices. Needless to say, my "mother" went into surgery with me. At 7:17 A.M., I heard the very first cries of my daughter.
The recovery of the surgery was not easy-I had pain worse than I have ever felt in my life for weeks afterwords. As well as dealing with just having a major surgery, I was also learning how to be a mother. That was a change. I've learned so much since December 16, even though it hasn't really been that long. Alice has captured my heart more than I can even start to explain, and every day with her is a new day.
Here we are today, my new little family. Our daughter is now two months old, getting bigger by the day, and learning new things. Each day we have with her brings something new. Whether it's a huge smile I see when I go wake her up, or the unpleasant "dirty-diaper", I wouldn't change anything for the world. And while my time for maternity leave will soon be over, I know that it will be okay. I'll still have the most precious baby girl to welcome me home after a hard day at the bank, and I'll still have Mitch to give me a kiss as I walk through the door.
As I sit back in my seat right now, just having quickly summarized my year, I can now look back and think, "Even though last year was super hard, stressful, and flat out crazy, I still ended up with a great conclusion to 2011." I have a beautiful daughter that I didn't have before, I have a relationship with the best man I know in this world, and I have a fantastic roof over my head. I can't complain. Life is full of change-but that's okay, because when it comes down to it, change is beautiful-even if it doesn't seem so at first.
Luckily in December Mitch and I finally moved into our first home-a quaint little trailer house. Even though we had finally been able to call ourself a family, it was still stressful. Our baby was due December 15, and we moved in December 5. We had no furniture ready for our child, and with me being so pregnant I was unable to really help move in. I was very tired all the time and didn't have much energy. I thank God that we were able to put everything together for our baby just in the nick of time.
I found December 12th that my baby girl was to large for me to have a natural delivery-I would have to have a C-Section. This brought a lot of anxiety for me as I had never had a surgery before-not to mention one that I would be awake for the entire time. I hoped and prayed that Mitch would be able to accompany me into the delivery room.
December 16, early in the morning, we made our way to the hospital, where we met up with my "parents." The nurses went into "surgery prep" mode as they started my IVs and monitered the baby's heart beat. Mitch didn't handle this well...to say the least. As soon as they started my IV, he turned pale and had to sit down and fed juices. Needless to say, my "mother" went into surgery with me. At 7:17 A.M., I heard the very first cries of my daughter.
The recovery of the surgery was not easy-I had pain worse than I have ever felt in my life for weeks afterwords. As well as dealing with just having a major surgery, I was also learning how to be a mother. That was a change. I've learned so much since December 16, even though it hasn't really been that long. Alice has captured my heart more than I can even start to explain, and every day with her is a new day.
Here we are today, my new little family. Our daughter is now two months old, getting bigger by the day, and learning new things. Each day we have with her brings something new. Whether it's a huge smile I see when I go wake her up, or the unpleasant "dirty-diaper", I wouldn't change anything for the world. And while my time for maternity leave will soon be over, I know that it will be okay. I'll still have the most precious baby girl to welcome me home after a hard day at the bank, and I'll still have Mitch to give me a kiss as I walk through the door.
As I sit back in my seat right now, just having quickly summarized my year, I can now look back and think, "Even though last year was super hard, stressful, and flat out crazy, I still ended up with a great conclusion to 2011." I have a beautiful daughter that I didn't have before, I have a relationship with the best man I know in this world, and I have a fantastic roof over my head. I can't complain. Life is full of change-but that's okay, because when it comes down to it, change is beautiful-even if it doesn't seem so at first.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Boys are...boys, perhaps?
Well, its been a few days since I've last blogged here. Alot has happened in the last weekend. I broke up with my other half...and it's been anything but easy. It's funny how you want someone to change so bad that you will take them out of your life to help them. It's so frustrating...
Monday, January 24, 2011
The Nightmare
Hi, so my name is Hannah. I just recently created this blog for myself, but its also for anyone that comes across it. I know it sounds dumb, but I feel like this is a "private-public" way to share my thoughts, opinions, and stories with anyone who comes across them.
So I'll start with giving a basic background for this post. My mom died of diabetes almost nine years ago on Valentines Day. I never really had time to grieve over this loss, as my dad remarried only six months later. I was also trying to make sure my brother was ok, and that, in my opinion, overshadowed my own time to cope with the loss of my mom.
Last night, as I was sleeping with my boyfriend in bed, I had a dream about my mother. I was sitting in my old house that we lived in while mom was still alive, and Mom and I were sitting in my old bedroom talking about how she was murder by some girl named Jundie. It was hard waking up from my dream. It was like I was really there, talking to my beloved mother once again. When I first woke up, I rolled over, told my boyfriend "I just had the craziest nightmare." I told him what happened. I rolled over so my back was towards my boyfriend, and simply said, "I miss my mom," and started crying.
It's so hard to deal with the loss of a parent everyday, even though it was so long ago. I had gone from talking to my mother I haven't spoken with in over eight years, to awakening to the worst nightmare their could be: life without her. I hate how I was talking to her, and then just like that, I lost her all over again.
I wish their was more help for me. I've been to therapist after therapist, medication after medication, and nothing can take away the hole I have in my heart. I've learned to realize that losing someone is a part of life, and you have to just go on and live your lifes to the best you can to make them proud.
So I'll start with giving a basic background for this post. My mom died of diabetes almost nine years ago on Valentines Day. I never really had time to grieve over this loss, as my dad remarried only six months later. I was also trying to make sure my brother was ok, and that, in my opinion, overshadowed my own time to cope with the loss of my mom.
Last night, as I was sleeping with my boyfriend in bed, I had a dream about my mother. I was sitting in my old house that we lived in while mom was still alive, and Mom and I were sitting in my old bedroom talking about how she was murder by some girl named Jundie. It was hard waking up from my dream. It was like I was really there, talking to my beloved mother once again. When I first woke up, I rolled over, told my boyfriend "I just had the craziest nightmare." I told him what happened. I rolled over so my back was towards my boyfriend, and simply said, "I miss my mom," and started crying.
It's so hard to deal with the loss of a parent everyday, even though it was so long ago. I had gone from talking to my mother I haven't spoken with in over eight years, to awakening to the worst nightmare their could be: life without her. I hate how I was talking to her, and then just like that, I lost her all over again.
I wish their was more help for me. I've been to therapist after therapist, medication after medication, and nothing can take away the hole I have in my heart. I've learned to realize that losing someone is a part of life, and you have to just go on and live your lifes to the best you can to make them proud.
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